so i’m here. again. this time this relationship only lasted, four years. but again, its dead. gone. history. and again, i’m here, left holding the bag. its because i have a lot of problems, too much baggage, too many issues, so many hang-ups and being an aspie is just like icing on the dysfunction cake. she couldn’t take it any more. who can blame her. she’s off having the time of her life now, free. i’m happy for her in that regard. no one should have to stay a prisoner when they don’t have to. if you love something, set it free.

i’m not free. no i’m too busy holding myself prisoner. and even now, i wouldn’t even know what to do with freedom if i managed to stumble on it anyway. i’m the one who gets completely bent out of shape when there are dishes in the sink. i’m the one who when she tried to kiss me, i would lock up and freeze because i frankly don’t know how to act… too many voices in my head, too much self-hate, so many judgments and condemnations from those voices and thoughts. i am my own worse enemy. the noise is almost deafening. i think that’s why i like to incorporate so much distortion in the music i make.

if i had it my way, i would have had myself locked away a long time ago.

so here i am. some weeks on, and all i have is my music. its the only thing that works. the sounds i put together in a finite package of time that some how tries to say the things my neurologically non typical brain cannot.

it is as if i crave this pain. i’ve lived with pain my whole life, what would i be without it? life is pain. experiencing pain is the only way we have to remind ourselves we are alive. joy, happiness, love, kindness, all fleeting, mostly conditional and rare. pain is an almost universal constant. and i have more than my fair share of it. i wonder if i learned to let go of it, would i still exist?

music, music is the only thing that mutes that pain, if only for a few minutes. just a handful of minutes, an hour here and an hour there, that i can focus long enough to concentrate on sound and tone, structure and melody that even if i am expressing pain through these things, i don’t have to feel them first hand. i think it has to do with that fact that i can only disappointment myself when it comes to making music. there really isn’t anyone else to disappoint. oh sure, if i make a crappy song and publish it and those that listen to my music may be disappointed, the worse they can do is just stop listening. i’m used to that. that is just a simple question of math.

now i retreat back to my solitary monastic life, where its safe. no one else can hurt me, not for a while anyway. and i get to rebuild my life, again. i’m not fit for anything else i believe. i think i’ve proven that, without any shred of doubt.

now to finish this record.

I’ve been working on this piece for about a week or so. You probably won’t notice, but to me this is a very sad song. Its mostly about mourning a childhood that is surely dead and was dying the minute it started. I used a lot of “metaphors” in sound design, certain instruments treading new ground trying to make it OK for others to come in and take the place of those that came first. Stuff like that. I know its a stretch, but its just was what I have been thinking about.

I was a good kid, and I never wanted to hurt anyone, but the world had other ideas. This song is about realizing that, and seeing that good kid who has died, put to rest finally. He’s done his job and has stood up to so much that its time for him to take a break… let someone else stand guard and take the hits.

Its a song about understanding that you can never go back, and you can’t make it better or make up for the bad in the present. It just doesn’t work like that. There is no making up for a bad past. I’m trying to realize that and writing this piece is just an exercise to help me remember that.

Last night, after getting my four miles in at the gym, I went back and re-recorded the guitar tracks, like I mentioned yesterday. I tweaked some knobs, cut the distortion, rolled off more high-mid frequencies to warm up the sound a bit more.

I listened to the takes a few times and even started messing with some piano and synth parts only to be completely disgusted with what was there. Here I have this likable bass line, with a nice progression and its just getting mired with guitar! I can’t believe it!

So, I did what I had to do, I deleted the guitar tracks, and well things are a lot cleaner now. I may go back and re-do some guitars in one part, the bridge, the part in the song when all hope is lost, just before everything picks itself up and begins again. That might need some good somewhat overdriven sad guitars ringing out in the background. We’ll see.

I dunno, no one really cares. I get it. I just like chatting about guitars and recording. Maybe next time I’ll go on and on about tone and how difficult it is to reproduce good warm natural sounding guitar tone to “tape?”

I think guitars, or more to the point, guitar tracks, are a real crutch for me. I think I rely on them too much, and in light of the fact that my music is currently going through a transition from straight forward post-hardcore guitar-driven compositions to the more fluid, electronic-based post-rock world, I think I need to start practicing a bit of moderation with regards to how much guitar ends up in a song.

Case in point. I was working on a piece this weekend, I’m enjoying it so far, has a nice solid melodic bass line, got some toy-like synth-pop-ish drum loops, and just has a nice melancholy feel to it I really like. Then I wanted to add some nice guitar accompaniment, then added a second track of guitars, all the way through the piece. It first sounded like what I was hearing, but then I woke up this morning and thought "that is just way too much."

So, I’m going to go back, trim down the guitars and not rely so heavily on them. I’ve got other tools now to use, and I just need to realize that guitar tracks now aren’t always going to be in the driver’s seat.

Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not ditching my guitar, and the wonderful all-tube Marshall head I have in lieu of the analog synths, but more moderation.

I have been an active user of the SixtyOne (t61) for a few months now, and I’ve noticed a few artists using Pump, basically an independent, non-exclusive publishing house.

It looks pretty interesting, and I really appreciate the non-exclusivity of their agreements as well as the potential for exposure. While I think it goes without saying that my exposure will be nil, it is, I believe, a worth while exercise.

So I’ve created an account, and am waiting to see what happens next. I’ve also been working on music too, heh yeah, the actual job of this record (everything else is just window dressing until the record is actually finished and done).

I was working on guitars today on an older song that I’m brushing the dust off. I’m not entirely convinced it will be on the record because its really different than the stuff I have been producing of late. Its more guitar-driven rock stuff, but it does have that “feel” that I’m looking for. I know I mentioned something about posting a rough cut of it, and I still will in the next few days. Frankly I’d like to get some feedback as to whether or not it should go on the record.