Looking For A Reason

I’m working on a new song. Its called, as the title of this blog entry would suggest, “looking for a reason.” there’s something i struggle with almost constantly with sky flying by. its the absolute and total, all encompassing feeling of illegitimacy. i don’t feel like a legitimate artist, just another wannabe hack who’s kidding himself that the music i produce is real. i don’t mean to disregard the dozens of really nice people who have gone out of their way to say nice things about the material i’ve posted.

hell, its those kind folks that lend me just a fraction of legitimacy. i’m really going to be working on this. one thing i am going to be doing is going to a friend’s recording studio (dirty water sound and music) and track drums and some guitars and maybe get some help with my mixes so that at least the stuff i produce doesn’t sound as amateur as it does now (probably the more significant source of frustration i have and what consistently fuels this feeling of illegitimacy.)

another aspect is the fact that sky flying by is not a real band, i can’t tour, or play live gigs. mostly because i’m intolerably difficult to get along with. no, not that i have a huge ego and everything must be done my way… not in the slightest (in fact, i have very little ego, it got snuffed out by years of self deprecation and trauma)… but what the issue is, i’m not very good at human interactions, and i usually make people feel pretty awkward and uncomfortable, so that’s why i’m not part of a band.

so this new song i’m working on is a reason to keep truckin. i know i’m not a real artist, and i know sky flying by isn’t a real band but there has to be a reason i keep doing this. i don’t know what it is, but i’ll keep looking. and when this new song is finished, maybe i’ll be another step closer to finding that reason.