Finding Common Ground Between “E” and an “A”

working on a song, its title is “guidance is internal.” it was one of the status checks during pre-launch Apollo missions meaning that the guidance computer is now running on internal power. its a pretty basic song so far, a couple guitar tracks, bass guitar (something i haven’t used in a while) and a drum part. the chord progression is also quite simple, E to an A. however, i’m trying to find some common ground between the two so that i can create some kind of hook. it isn’t easy. not something that fits the over all mood that i’m trying to capture.

things are set in motion, there is nothing you can do to stop what has already started. there is no looking back and all you have is the hope that your training, your experiences and whatever planning you may have done prior to this sequence of events will be good enough to see you through to the other side. when the saturn 5 rocket launched, there were only inches of wiggle room between a few million pounds of rocket fuel and thrust and the gantry crane. everything, the mission and the lives of the crew were completely reliant on the guidance computer to make sure they didn’t end up a sad story about what could have been.

i think about what could have been, in those quiet moments when there’s nothing else to think about. i wonder if i could have been a better mate, a better friend, a better perfect stranger, a better human being. the friends i do have, have no idea how appreciated they are, how much value they bring to my life and because i can’t even begin to express that, i have learned that i’m not fit for human relationships, friendship or otherwise, not any more, and not that i ever was. i just can no longer delude myself as i had done in the past. i will live alone, and slowly slip into a self-imposed isolation because i lack the tools to reach out. this makes me angry and sad. and i feel completely unprepared for what lies ahead, for this mission. guidance may be internal but the computer isn’t calibrated quite right.

this song i’m working on, also in a way, represents how this mission has come to be, everything for me is internal. i internalize everything. its my training, programming, never let the facade of a perfect house of cards fall, never provide ammunition to your enemies (and everyone is an enemy) because they will use it. i imagine sometimes what my life would be like if i knew how to externalize things, to reach out, and the picture is so cloudy and the amount of energy it would take me to engage in that kind of transaction is just too costly. its exhausting. i wish i could even just say that much to help those in my life understand that, that it isn’t about not caring or laziness or callousness or carelessness. its about me trying to find a way to not have everything cost so much.

the facade is cracked, its broken and everything isn’t right. my guidance chip is trying to compensate and doing a sub-par job so far, there will be more balls to drop, more mistakes made and all the while i will fight this rocket every inch of the way from the pad to orbit. to the vacuum of space, and i’ll try to remember to radio back my position.